A Constellation Reallocates Normal Human Needs.
It is normal and human to have needs. Growth is learning to own our needs and find appropriate strategies to meet them. This process releases our inner child from a huge burden.
This is the question of a courageous articulate young woman, ready to bring her unique bright essence and purpose into the world.
How can I have a relationship and not loose my self?
She explains: “It seems that often in a relationship a younger part of me occupies the stage of my life and requires a great deal of attention.”
These are the steps in our constellation:
- Painting the scenery.
- Bringing consciousness into the entanglement
- What do we need to bring in?
- Completing the constellation
Painting the scenery
The case giver decides to set up representatives for her self, her mother, her father and her young self.
When she places the representatives in the space, she sees how a triangle is formed between the father, self and young self. Mother is not included.
You can see the first scenes on the cartoon.
Bringing consciousness into the entanglement
When the facilitator asks the father to face his wife. He faces his daughter. This shows how a switching of roles happened. When the facilitator shares this observation with the case giver, it becomes apparent that this situation feels comfortable for her, she does not intend to exchange her place with her mother.
The cartoon shows the next phases:
The parents are in a conflict relationship and from that place both reach out to their daughter to get their needs met. Young self wants to escape the scenery, things shift when she is held in the triangle. We arrive back at our start point. We need something else.
What do we need to bring in?
If we bring the focus on what self wants, this can change the entanglement.
We bring in the consciousness of a passionate job.
This is the point in the constellation where you bring in order.
Self cannot trust her passion, a job she really wants to do unless she gets out of the entanglement. Self is invited to address her parents and acknowledge that she got life from her father and her mother and that she is willing to take it to the fullest, with all that comes with it.
Completing the constellation
The case giver takes her place in the constellation, in order to have an embodied experience. She needs to acknowledge her father and her mother and the place of her mother next to her father.
This often creates resistance in a case giver. Even if a pattern is not healthy, we are used to is and it is scary to choose for the unknown.
She connects with her young self and admits that she never learned how to address her needs for contact, companionship, partnership and love.
When you are born in a family where your parents never learned how to care for their needs, you become the parent at a young age. Your inner child is trying to cope with this situation and to make sure your needs are fulfilled.
She does that from the perspective of her age and that can easily destroy your adult relationships.
There is nothing wrong with this inner child, it is not her task to look for your needs. If you as the adult grown up take back the responsibility to care for your needs she can be the young you again, with her joy and playfulness, her tenderness and warmth.
If you wait for your parents to grow up, you stay caught into an entanglement. The only way is to accept them as they are and acknowledge that life comes from them with all that this means and that you are willing to take it to the fullest.
You can read more about the family and system constellations work of Lia Verrees on her facebook page: Reinventing the Art of Constellations.
I look forward to your comments.
VEERLE DE BOCK is a social entrepreneur, a change-maker, physician, healer, facilitator, trainer, coach and author of the trilogy, Becoming What is Changing. She spent nearly three decades of her life as a physician specializing in geriatric care, including a 21-year career as department head in an Antwerp regional hospital. In 2003, she began her study as an energetic healer, teacher, process facilitator and supervisor at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing, and since 2007 has been leading many other trainees to master these same skills. In 2010 she was trained in the practice of Dynamic Facilitation by Jim Rough, which she now incorporates into her workshops and training sessions. In 2012 she decided to devote her work exclusively to writing, facilitation and coaching. That same year, she devised a new integrative practice of facilitation she calls ‘Guest House Facilitation’, that helps teams learn how to listen and utilise both the inner and outer processes within their organisation, to see it as a dynamic and living organism, and to reconnect to its intrinsic purpose and intention. Her book, Becoming What is Changing: Exposition, is the first part of a trilogy aimed at managers, team leaders and responsible employees who wish to bring this kind of transformation into the workplace, so they can create an environment where people are happy, satisfied and continuously growing. She is the initiator of a Teal Organization: A Mystery School for Life.